A little Mush for the moment

Yesterday was rough again as Liam had his first fever & slept for a total of 30 minutes during the day. He just wasn't himself & it broke my little heart to see how badly he felt. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and my patience was tried. So instead of dwelling on the bad day and sickness, I'm going to get a little mushy here for a minute.

The other night, I believe it was Tuesday night, when he was just getting sick he wanted me to put him down to sleep at night. And lately when I've been putting him down he has been giving me his chupie (I put it in backwards) & then pointing out all my facial features. But there was something different about that night, something tender & deep about his touching.

He was looking me right in the eye and I could just feel the deep, primal love coming from him. I had my hair down & it was actually done that day and Liam absolutely loves playing with my hair when it's down & straight and that night he was pushing my hair back from my face & smiling and then letting it fall on his face and he would close his eyes and hug my face to his and smile. And I could feel this overwhelming emotion coming from him & then he would look into my eyes & I just got this click into place feeling that he loves me. Not a love born out of necessity - like a feeling towards a Provider - but a love that has emerged from deep in his heart & soul and it was like he was seeing me through new eyes. It's so hard to explain, this connection - it's not unlike when a mother falls in love with their child and you do see & feel that in return but it's different now. And although he's only (nearly) 16 months, it's a more mature love I feel from him, like not only do I Provide but also that he likes me and he wants to be close to me because of who I am not what I can do for him.

Even the look in his eyes, that had spread across his whole face, was different than his "normal" expressions of joy & happiness; there was a sense of incredible Peace, of Knowing You are Home, of Knowing You LOVE & are loved. Maybe it was the lighting in the room, dark with a hint of night-light, lullabies playing in the background and a tough day of Not Feeling So Well, I don't know but it was a magical combination that night.

And this moment has stayed with me & I almost search it out now when I put him down but I try not to be greedy with it knowing that it's just as undying as the love I feel for him.

And all I could think of at the moment was song lyrics. And I know now that I will probably well up every time I happen to hear this song.

Look into my eyes & you will see what you mean to me. Search you heart, search your soul and when you find me there you'll search no more. Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for, don't tell me there's nothing I want more..."