I’ve put off writing about this because it is such a downer & I don’t like to vocalize such things as they then become Real once said out loud but it’s been bothering me a lot as of late & I really just want to get it off my chest – or my aptly – my stomach. I’ve had a hard time losing the last of my baby weight & with a combination of a C-section and the sweet tooth not leaving when Liam arrived I’m struggling.
I’m not writing this to garner the “don’t worry” or “you look great” comments cause the truth is I DO worry & I don’t FEEL like I look GREAT and that’s what really matters. I take walks with Liam whenever I can and weather permits; I have two flights of stairs in the house and no bathroom on the main floor. So it’s not like I am completely sitting on my ass all day long. And to add some lightness to this, my ass is the only thing that has remained the same – thankfully.
I finally packed away my maternity clothes and bought a size larger pair of jeans – THANK god it was only ONE size larger. I’ve been living in yoga pants and long t-shirts for the past 4 months and my maternity jeans and I hate it. But I’ve taken the step and put them away and will live in my new larger size jeans.
I hate that I look dumpy because of the clothes I’m wearing and because I’m fat. I hate that my incision site still hurts periodically and that stops me from trying to wear non-elastic waist pants. I hate that my boobs are lopsided because Liam only nurses from one side – but please note that I don’t “hate” Liam because he only nurses from one side – I hate the way it looks when I’m wearing clothes that you can tell my 36DD boobs aren’t BOTH 36DD.
I hate that I have no money to buy any “make me feel pretty” clothes. But to be honest, even if I did have “extra” money I would spend it on Liam anyway. I hate that I have no underwear that fits me.
I hate thinking about shopping for new larger clothes cause that’s simply just depressing. I hate that I have a whole closet full of clothes, most with the tags still on, I bought last Fall that I will probably never be able to wear again.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the Reason for any of this. I wouldn’t trade Liam for 10 pounds or even 50 pounds but that doesn’t erase the thoughts and sadness that creeps into my thoughts and self image. I avoid mirrors, especially when naked, but mostly so that I don’t have to see how large I am now. I suppose I should be happy that I can rest Liam not only on my hips but also my gut but we all know humor will only get us so far. And I know there are things I can with my diet, even though I’m still breastfeeding, but I barely have time (or remember) to eat lunch let alone add a fricking diet regime into that mix. Plus I have to keep a certain amount of calories in my diet for the Pimp Juice to be nutritional. And I know I should step away from the cookies but I cannot get rid of the sweet tooth. And I don’t eat entirely horribly to begin with – portion control would probably be my best method here but I just don’t see that it will make much difference.
So you can probably sense that I’m just somewhat resigning myself to this situation all the while still bitching about it. And in my mind I’m totally, well not totally, blaming this on the C-section. I didn’t want one (hell, who would?) & THIS is the reason why. My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore, it doesn’t feel like it will ever be back to even my worst pre-pregnancy state again and that’s out of my control.
I hate looking at pictures of myself & I hate being around other people and having my picture taken cause the whole time all I’m thinking is how they will go back and look at those pictures and talk about how fat & gross I am.
I just wish I didn’t care.
3 comments:
first of all: don't apologize for feeling this way. no one in their right mind would say that you're not grateful for liam. it's obvious you love him to bits and then some. being grateful doesn't mean you can't hate what a pregnancy does to your body.
i, too, have a hard time to get used to the fact that my 'young' body is gone and that you can see that i had a baby. i have friends who say that they love and cherish their stretch marks because it's a reminder of the wonderful creatures they have carried around for nine months.
these friends are either big liars or need to be commited.
i'm just kidding, but honestly - we see madonna, julia roberts, angeline jolie etc etc and we think we are the only ones who can't fit into a size 2 jeans within two days after delivering a baby. and we forget they have been working out 20 hours a week before getting pregnant and they can afford working out 40 hours a week just after their pregnancy.
and that's not us, because we're normal (and sane).
so what i really want to say (and i'm taking a long time getting to my point, i realize that):
1. give it time.
9 months pregnant, 9 months recovery. see what running around with a baby on your arm all day long will do for you. see what breastfeeding will do for you. see what walks in the park will do for you.
2. buy something nice.
i understand the money situation, but maybe you could only buy a cute shirt at old navy or something - just something that looks nice, slimming and makes you feel pretty again (and i do think you look beautiful in that picture with liam, but i don't want to dismiss your feelings).
3. accept that you hate it
i think not talking about these feeling will only make us depressed. depression leads to eating (at least, in my case), which leads to bigger depression. let it all hang out!
4. kick me off my soap box (with the weight i'm still carrying now, that's a good 200 calories you'd burn, right there).
Hey there,
I TOTALLY know what you are saying here. I am still in this boat to some degree and I agree with your friend, she nailed it!
After I gave birth, I thought I am going to lose all this weight right away BUT the truth is nine month up, nine months down (plus many other months as long as you breast feed.) I am still breastfeeding Matthew and I am still struggling to lose the weight. Let's put this in perspective, I was a size four before pregnancy and a size 10 now. I could not NOT eat because I was breastfeeding plus I was constantly hungry and I craved foods still (every other day we went to DQ for hot fudge milk shakes!)
I had a GF who had a baby one month after me and she totally worked out, restricted her diet and lost all of her baby weight plus some. All she ever bitched about the entire 12 months that she nursed was how terrible her milk supply was. I never said a word but I knew the reason she had so much trouble was because she dieted and super exercised to look good. I am not saying she is a bad person for chosing to do this. What I am just saying is that I have been content to provide for Matthew what my body was made to do and live with how I look for now. That is not say that down the road I will not start working harder to lose the weight.
Also, they say it takes something like three years for our bodies to adjust/recover from pregnancy. Remember, that you are still hormonal and in some ways I likened these hormones to the levels I had during pregnancy. I had my up up days and my down down days.
I also worried about money and I felt horrid spending anything on myself. I would go to Target say with the intention to buy myself something and I would end up with ten things for Matthew and nothing for myself. I finally had to stop wearing sweat pants (I went back to work, which is a really casual place but I still did not think yoga pants and t-shirts were going to go over well...) I went to Old Navy and bought some cute cheapie pants and a cute shirt and it started me on the road to feeling better. I have to say there are very few pictures of me and Matthew for a period of time because I would look at them and delete them because I felt so horrible about myself. This too shall pass! In fact we took family photos at 10 months and I hated every one of them.
Then one day shortly after Matthew 1st birthday I realized I needed to start feeling good on the inside and not worry so much about the outside. I wished I had thought of that sooner. I started taking better care of myself again. I started getting my hair cut again, wearing some makeup and buying some new items here and there. I also finally felt I had a chance to work out again (I would do little things like sit ups or parking far from the store to walk in...) Now I can work out more regularly which also helps but try not to feel bad.
Just know that every woman who gives birth for the most part feels these things. Your breasts will eventually gets down to a more managable size (I was a 36DD - can you imagine 5' 2" me with 36DDs?!??!?) and your body will slowly become yours again. I feel like it has been a healthy process to let my body take its time to do what it needs. Eventually those cravings will go away and you will stop yourself from eating too many cookies.
Finally, this is one of the few times in your life (outside of perhaps pregnancy) where you can let up on the rigid dietary restrictions. Enjoy the extra cookies or whatever. I would eat like a horse (and I still do at times) and my weight has not changed in months. This is a good and bad thing I suppose. I do not feel good some days and I need to lose some weight but Matthew is a healthy, happy, charming, wonderful and intelligent little boy and I know that I laid the ground work by giving up myself a little bit for him!
In all seriousness Jen, I have looked at some photos of you and though 'man I wished I looked as put together as her after I had my baby!'
Keep writing about it - it really helps. I did a lot of that. It was/is very theraputic.
That is my 10 cents on the subject!
Cheers, Christina :)
Damn, you ladies rock. Thanks for being so understanding and thoughtful, it really makes a difference. So I can still chalk up the laughing and crying at the same time to hormones? I think I might call it TOTALLY AWESOME FRIENDS!!
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