It's not that I never thought my heart could feel this way about my child, I'm just still so overwhelmed that this little perfect guy is Mine. Literally, I think my heart bursts when I think about him and us and our new little family, I know I get choked up and cant breathe properly and the tears start coming & I have to stop myself from going to him, running to him, really, and just covering him in kisses and smoothing out his 'duck's ass' and rubbing his chest or back or just staring at him. It's almost too much. This leaves me vunerable and shaky and not quite sure what to do with my heart that is just exploding with pride & love & awe. How he looks at his daddy when he comes home and just SMILES & how when he wakes up in the morning and is getting ready for breakfast his little hand reaches out for me and his face explodes with happiness. And I treasure our time nursing, it's our time, our private time, my time to have him all to myself with his little fingers working through my own, his feet kicking and leaning up against my arm as he settles in for his meal, his eyes that look up at me and smile with this unconditional love. This love that I have no idea where it comes from, where it originates, where it stems from but I think, I think, it's a 'product' of the love that is between Matias & I and that we, us, are represented through him and that just overwhelms me even more. I'm not ready for him to be in his crib, for him to grow out of a size of clothes...but it's so exciting & [again] overwhelming for him to be learning so many new things...he's discovered his tongue & that it can actually leave his mouth, he's trying to fit his whole fist in his mouth, he thinks it's funny when he pees on Mommy (and I'm sure he's not the only one), he likes his lotion warmed up before we slather him in it, he's getting ticklish, or maybe he's just laughing at Mommy, he's holding his head up, he's enjoying being on his tummy much more these days & he still screams blue murder when I burp him. He does have Mommy's Ticket though - my mom & sister laugh at me for holding him for four hours on afternoon when he wouldnt settle or have it any other way but I dont mind, I got to cuddle this bundle (one of my nicknames for him), hold him close, wrap his fingers around mine and sing softly to him - he likes to hear me sing, sing anything, really, but I prefer to sing DMB to him but he doesnt like the pauses for the instrumental portions of the songs so I have to hum through those, even though I'm singing without any music playing, his favorite at the moment is Satelitte, but he's starting to enjoy Crash also, I attempted to sing After Her to him but I burst into tears and had to stop before I went 'too far'. He's spending more time awake than not it seems these days, he's playing & spending so much more time in his 'gym', thrashing around, kicking and grabbing and learning and growing - singing to himself all the while.
I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life waiting to see what he does next.
1 comment:
post of the year :)
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