Confessional

I've found myself in a bit of funk lately. Not wanting to venture out, not wanting to argue with Liam about eating his breakfast, timing Owen's naps or just generally rushing about to go out in the heat. And there's been a lot of heat. This leads to a lot of days indoors, sometimes fun days, sometimes just plain old don't get out of your pajama days. Which, I confess, I don't mind that much. And neither does Liam; he's always loved his pajamas & staying in them.

I feel like I'm stuck in a Groundhog Day loop. The waking up routine of feeding the cats, making coffee, getting milk for Liam, getting Owen fed & settled...it seems to be taking a while & some mornings taking a toll. I feel like I'm constantly wiping someone's butt, cleaning up blow outs, taking someone to the potty (even myself, if I'm lucky!), feeding someone, cleaning someone up, feeding another someone, wiping up Barf Boy, getting Owen down for a nap, nagging Liam to eat his breakfast, etc. etc. etc. And when I finally feel settled & have taken a breath and start to think about heading out, I look at the clock & it's like 12:30 or 1pm and I haven't even thought about lunch for Liam. But I sure am thinking about that nap I hope he takes. And that Owen stays asleep for longer than an hour. And we don't end up going anywhere. And the kitchen still isn't cleaned up and the dishwasher still isn't emptied...etc. etc. etc. And maybe I should get myself something to eat.

I'm not really sure how to snap myself out of this though beyond just forcing myself out of the house. Which I do, but I haven't been. And I apologized to Liam for being boring lately & not doing fun things with him & he just said "it's OK, I like my jammies"...so there's that!

But I'm finding that remaining shut in is making me a not so nice Mama. I lose my patience quicker, I raise my voice faster & I turn to the DVR in times of chaos more often. I'm not sure I like this person but I'm not sure how to show them door either. Maybe summer is just heading towards the long side? Maybe when school starts & I have no reason to remain shut in I will get jump started into action? Maybe slowing down sometimes isn't a bad thing?

We don't always have money to spend on an activity or event all the time so I have to pick & choose the places & things that cost versus the ones that are free and I have plenty of options but then factor in the weather and that narrows things down & when things get narrowed down I tend to just do nothing. And that kind of sucks for everyone. I was being pretty good about just getting us going & letting Owen sleep through stuff but now his naps are bumping up against Liam finally being ready to leave & I find myself saying "we'll go after Owen gets up" and that bumps up to lunchtime...you can see where this can lead, right?

I get exhausted just writing this out! Am I trying to do too much? Am I just getting lazy? Am I using money & the weather as excuses? I think the answer is yes to all of those things. But I cannot get out of this cycle & it's driving me a little crazy!

Then you add on all the trips & visitors & parties & babies growing up too quickly & upcoming vacations & spur of the moment trips that fall into our laps thanks to Matias' work...I know that I'm doing enough for my kids. And yet when the longest time we've spent out of the house is a trip to the grocery store or Target, I've got to pause and check myself. Cause I'm just not sure it all adds up like it should.

And then, THEN, I think of mothers I know who do next to nothing with their kids ALL THE TIME and wonder how they get away with that, how the kids don't go crazy or how their guilt doesn't eat away at them...

So anyway...to summarize! I feel stuck & don't know how to fix it. And it's not making me the most bestest Mama I could be. I cannot be the only one who gets like this, can I? How did you snap yourself out of it? And will you come do that for me too, please? THANKS!!